Running for my life — week 5

This week, the weather was much nicer for running. My park finally dried up so I was able to go back running there and I met a goose family that had 6 babies waddling around between mama and daddy. It was very sweet and soothing for me. And then I got sunburnt. Which made me like the nice weather a little less. But just a little.

This week, I ran on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and I took my kids for a walk and a tromp through the woods on Thursday.

Monday, I completed my 3 runs of 5 minutes each successfully. My pace was 370-380 right footfalls per running segment. My shins and calves were very tight so I felt like my stride length was shortened because of that. I spent some time stretching afterwards to try and loosen up my muscles.

Wednesday was a dog day. Not as in dog days of summer when it’s really hot, but as in I felt like a dog magnet. I had dogs barking, dogs following me, one dog stopped right in front of me and I almost fell on her. Two of the dogs were strangers to me and none of the dogs were leashed or supervised. I love dogs, but not on my run when they are off the chain and on my tail. Especially if I don’t know them.

This time, I did not follow my run because it made no sense. It said to jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes) walk 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) then jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes). I did the math and for that run to work that way, I’d have to jog slower than I walked, which made no sense to me. So I jogged 3/4 mile, walked 1/4 mile then jogged another 3/4 mile. I didn’t do it as fast as the c25k app thought I should be able to, but I got it done. It was a bit of a weird run, too, because even though I kept counting my footfalls I also kept losing count because dogs are distracting so I have no idea what my pace was on either running segment.

Friday was a crazy day for me. It was just one of those days when nothing seemed to work and I failed all day long. I didn’t want to run. I was sure I would fail it like everything else that day. But I had made it through the rest of the day somehow and I was determined to try.

It was hard. I did not run it as fast as c25k thought I should. I ran 2 miles in 27 minutes instead of 20 minutes. But I ran 2 miles nonstop, y’all. The farthest I’d run without taking a break to walk in the past 8 months was 3/4 of a mile so it was a big jump for me. But I did it. I wanted to quit most of the time. But I encouraged myself to keep going and I did it. My legs hurt afterwards. Even after stretching and soaking in a hot tub. But I did it. And I am so proud of myself. And I know I can do every other workout ahead of me because I did this one and no other workout in this series of workouts involves as big of a jump in mileage as this one did.

I’m still feeling that runner’s high. I’m going to ride it as long as I can. Hopefully long enough to finish the next 3 weeks successfully. I can’t believe I ran 2 miles without stopping. I can’t believe I only have 3 weeks left. I’m so glad I went running today.

And that’s what keeps me running. I’m always so glad when I’m done. I always have a feeling of pride and accomplishment when I’m done. I’ve never regretted a run. I’ve regretted getting injured. I’ve regretted stopping running prematurely and not finishing a run. But I’ve never regretted a run.

That’s what keeps me running. That’s what gets me up. Sometimes that’s what motivates me to get through the rest of my day because I know at the end of the day my hubby will get home and I will get to run and the rest of the day will melt away and I will feel that runners high again. I will feel like I’m fully alive, not like part of me is dead.

That is why I run — because it gives me back my life, if only for 30 minutes. And that is why I’m looking forward to next week’s runs even though I know they’ll be a little harder than this week’s because every day I run I know I’ll feel alive. And the other days, I’ll be able to hold onto that feeling or hold on until I feel that feeling again.

Then there was that time I wound up in the same place for the third year in a row that I never planned on going to. . .

Last weekend, we went to the marriage retreat at our church for the third year in a row. Which we did not plan to go to for the third year in a row. I’m sure you’re wondering how that could happen — how could anyone possibly go somewhere 3 years in a row without planning on going there. Well, I’ll tell you.

In 2016, we did not know that the marriage retreat existed. We found out it was a thing maybe 2 weeks before the weekend when it was held and we had no intention of going because we thought all the rooms were full. About a week before the weekend it was held, we found out that there were a couple of rooms left and they were discounted because they were just trying to fill the last couple of rooms. So we asked the grandparents to watch our kids and we signed up at the last minute. We had a blast.

Stephen Kendrick was the speaker, all meals were included, we were in a beautiful place without our kids. It was wonderful. But there was one couple there that included a very pregnant wife who commented that she would not be there if she had known when she signed up that she would be so very pregnant that weekend. We had lost a baby in 2013 and we very much wanted to have a baby and hoped we would learn we were expecting soon. So we did not sign up for the marriage retreat in 2017 on the hope that we would be expecting around that date.

We found out we were expecting in June 2016. She was due in March 2017 and the marriage retreat would be in April so we were very glad that we had not signed up for it that year. There was no way we would be able to leave a breastfed newborn at home with the grandparents. So we weren’t going to go. Then 8 days before her due date and about 6 weeks before the marriage retreat, we found out that our sweet Maggie’s heart had stopped beating. We were not going to have a newborn during the marriage retreat. She was gone. Of course, by then the marriage retreat would be completely booked. And anyways, we certainly weren’t thinking about it at that point.

A week or so before the marriage retreat, we found out there was a room opened. We were tired and grieving, but we decided that going to the marriage retreat would be good for us. So we signed up at the last minute again and we went again. We had a great time again. Stephen Kendrick was the speaker again. And again hope kept us from signing up for the next year.

We found out we were expecting Ruth in December 2017. The entire first trimester was exhausting. And then she was gone before I even felt her kick. I almost bled to death in the miscarriage, had to have an emergency D&C to stop the bleeding and 10 weeks later I’m still not back to 100%. At no point during that time did I think about the marriage retreat, although our reason not to go had gone.

About 5 weeks before the marriage retreat, we saw the man who runs it at the first grade bible presentation at our church. Our youngest living child had just received her Bible from our pastor, just as her 3 sisters had in the past, and he told us there were only a few rooms left for the marriage retreat and we should hurry up and sign up. He said there weren’t going to be any last minute rooms available this year. And I looked at him and said “if God wants us to go, He can save us a room.” He laughed. I laughed. And I didn’t give it another thought.

I really wasn’t intending on going this year. The speaker had changed and I had no clue who Steve Turner was and no interest in going and hearing a different speaker. I liked Steven Kendrick. Did I mention I have issues with change? Well, I do.

Two weeks before the marriage retreat, I got an email that there was an open room. And I ignored it. I wasn’t going. One week before the marriage conference, I got another email and ignored it. I wasn’t going and I was taking my kids to GA day at UGA that Saturday. I didn’t want to hear a new speaker and I had plans.

The next day, I was informed by a friend who was going that not only was there an open room, the couple who canceled their trip had gifted their room as a scholarship to the couple who signed up next. And I remembered what I said to the man coordinating the marriage retreat. And I realized that God had called my bluff and saved us a room. Not only that, He had provided it to us for free. I thought “Wow, He must really want us to go. He must have a message for us.”

So 6 days before the marriage retreat, I signed us up and we went. It was exactly what we needed. My husband and I were able to relax, spend some one on one time together, and reconnect. And the speaker was phenomenal. God had a message for me and I left refreshed and challenged.

We haven’t signed up for next year yet, though. Honestly, I’m hoping next year we will have a baby because I’m always hoping that. Hope springs eternal and all. But I have learned something from this experience (I hope): New speakers are a good thing and God doesn’t need a movie producer to pass on a message to me.

Many thanks to our church and Windshape who planned for a year for each of the marriage retreats that I planned for a week or two for. Also, thanks to Seth Condrey for your transparency and music this year and Steve and Dawn Turner for your transparency and teaching. And I’m sorry, Steve, for my reluctance to attend due to the speaker change. And also for having my husband hunt you down to find out what was supposed to go in that one blank. But I really needed to know. Like really bad. And a special thanks to the couple who provided us with this opportunity. We greatly appreciate it and God used that weekend to minister to us in a big way.

If you live near Rome, GA or Woodstock, GA, the marriage retreat is held in April at the Windshape retreat at Berry College and it’s arranged by the young adult ministry at FBCW. It starts on a Friday night with dinner and a speaking session. Saturday there are a couple more speaking sessions, some free time to spend with your spouse, and a movie to enjoy together. Sunday morning there’s a final session after breakfast and then it’s over. And there’s a CFA ice dream machine opened 24/7.

The food is awesome, the speaking is great, the music is wonderful. It is a very relaxing, beautiful time to spend reconnecting with your spouse and pursuing a godly marriage in a beautiful place and my only complaint is it’s only 3 days and 2 nights. I hope to attend again, ideally under less tragic circumstances, but I’m still not signing up for next year yet. Out of hope. Some things stay the same.

Running for my life — week 1

I’ve been having a hard time recently. It feels like I’m always having a hard time these days, but normally I like to pretend I’m ok, at least to myself. I haven’t really had the energy to do that lately, though. I’ve spent way too much time sleeping and way too little time living.

I generally don’t like to talk about my issues until I have fixed them or at least have a plan to fix them and right now I don’t. To be completely honest, I don’t even know how to articulate what my issues are right now, even to myself. I’ve spent the last couple of days trying to describe what it is that’s bothering me and failing miserably. And failing miserably in a couple different directions. So I can’t even generalize the funk I’m in right now because none of my attempts at describing it can agree.

Not blogging hasn’t really helped me either. Attempting to express myself and being unable to is a whole new level of frustration that I don’t know how to deal with at all. And it’s not helping with the other funk I’ve been in.

So basically I’m stuck in a funk that I don’t know how to describe. And since I don’t know what kind of funk I’m stuck in, I have no clue where to begin to fix it. And I’m frustrated on top of it.

So what do you do when you don’t know what to do to pull yourself out of a funk? Well, sleeping all day doesn’t help. I know, I’ve tried. For weeks. So last week, I went in a different direction. I kind of had to because my kids were out of school on spring break and they certainly weren’t going to sleep all day so that would have made it harder for me to sleep all day than it typically is when they’re at school. I probably could have made sleeping all day work if I really needed to, but sleeping all day really hasn’t been having a positive result with me so why keep trying the same thing when I haven’t liked the result so far?

Last week, I was watching Leap with my kids on Netflix and at the end of the movie, Felicie finally realizes that she dances because her life depends on it, that dancing is life for her, and I thought “I need something like that, something I need to do to live.” Then I read an article about how running is a unique therapy to boost your mood and fight depression and anxiety (It’s pretty long, but a great read and most of it made sense to me.) and I realized I have had “that thing” in my life. I just stopped doing it.

When I was running before, I did experience less anxiety and depression. I was happier. It got me out of bed. I looked forward to running and when I finished a run, it made me feel like I had accomplished something. It made me feel strong and capable and like life was more than just the grief and pain that drag me down. It got me out of my funk.

So I decided to restart c25k after going 4 months without running at all and 2 months before that without running more than once a month. The last time I restarted c25k was 9 months ago and it took me 3.5 months to complete what’s designed to be an 8 week program.

Last week, I not only restarted the c25k program, but I completed the first week of training in a week, which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it is for me. Not only that, I also went walking a couple days and both walked and rode a bike Saturday. I also spent most of my time being a functional human being, which was a nice change.

I wasn’t sure about restarting running. I was very self-conscious. I thought so pessimistically about my first run that I didn’t even tell my husband I was going on a run because if didn’t complete it successfully, I really didn’t want him to ask me how it went. I didn’t tell anyone I was going until I was done. I decided to go about ten minutes before I went and I went before I had time to change my mind. And I rocked it.

So this is another new beginning for me. I am back to running and I’m running for my life. Because I need to live. I need that focus on something that isn’t horrible and sad and tragic. I need “that thing” to do that gets me out of bed. I need a purpose and a drive.

I run because, for me, it is the difference between living and just surviving. It is the difference between being a functional human and a bed warmer. It makes me happier. It relieves my stress. It relieves my anxiety.

In that one minute when I am running, I am just concentrating on the path before me and how many times my right foot hits the ground and I need that. I need to spend some of my time in the now. I’m not completely out of my funk. But I’m out of bed. It’s a good start. And for now, that’s good enough for me.

So I’m putting this out there for accountability. I’m broadcasting my new beginning to give myself a little extra incentive to keep going forward and not look backward quite so much.

Because I need it. I need to keep running. I need to remember that I’m running for my life.

So I’m going to add a little extra structure to my blog by blogging once a week about my running journey. This is the first post in a new series about my running journey that will ideally be 8 weeks (and 8 posts) long. I would be happy to have you tag along with me on this new journey.

Last week, I ran on Sunday, Thursday and Friday. I completed all my runs successfully, although I did have some slight technical difficulties with Friday’s run. I accidentally started the final run instead of the 3rd run, which I figured out after I ran about 2.5 minutes instead of the 1 minute I was supposed to run, so I had to restart my run. Then when I had just 2 run segments left, for some reason my phone stopped alerting me to run so I skipped the 7th running segment then ran the 8th, walked for 30 seconds and ran the last minute to make up for the 7th run segment that I accidentally skipped so I’m counting that as a successfully completed run, despite the technical hiccups.

I learned that I can run 80 steps in 60 seconds and that the flubber between my bra and my armpit can chafe itself and that hurts. So I’m looking for something to decrease that. All in all, it was a pretty good week.

I’m celebrating the successful completion of week 1 of the c25k program with some new (read much needed) running shoes and I thank you for reading, celebrating with me and joining me on my new journey.

Barbecue Chicken

When I was a kid, one of my favorite meals my mom would make was BBQ chicken with mashed potatoes. I loved to make a depression in the potatoes and spoon the BBQ sauce into the potatoes. Honestly, I liked the potatoes better than the chicken. And I still do.

My mom made that meal a lot because my dad really liked it. She had it down to an art, knowing how much to pour for it to look right then tasting to make sure the flavor was right. This made the dish exceptional, but also exceptionally hard to learn if you’re not that type of chef. Which I’m not.

I’ve made this chicken several times with my mom helping me because I’m just not the kind of chef that pours a little of this and a little of that. I need measurements. I’m very precise in my cooking. It’s a science for me, an art for my mom.

So when I made Brunswick Stew, I got really excited. A lot of the ingredients in the sauce were similar to my mom’s BBQ chicken recipe and I loved the way the BBQ sauce tasted. I had this idea at the back of my head that it would make a great BBQ chicken recipe. I kept thinking about it periodically but never tried it. Until last week. I am happy to report that the sauce is great on mashed potatoes and the BBQ chicken tastes good as well.

It was a hit with everyone but Rory. She loved the BBQ sauce on her mashed potatoes, but thought the chicken was a little too spicy. Go figure. This chicken is great with green beans, mashed potatoes and creamed corn, but I’m sure it would be good with any veggies. Just don’t forget the potatoes. Trust me. I hope your family loves it as much as mine did.

BBQ Chicken

Ingredients:

• 4 tbsp butter
• 1 3/4 cups ketchup
• 1/4 cup mustard
• 1/4 cup white vinegar
• 1/2 tbsp chopped garlic
• 1 tsp ground cayenne pepper
• 1/2 tsp crushed red pepper
• 2 tbsp worstershire sauce
• 1 tbsp tobacco sauce
• 1/2 tbsp fresh lemon juice
• 1/2 cup hot water (more if needed)
• 5-6 boneless skinless chicken breasts cut into pieces

Directions:

1. Melt 4 tbsp butter in saucepan.
2. Add ketchup, mustard and vinegar. Blend until smooth.
3. Add chopped garlic, black pepper, crushed red pepper, worstershire sauce, tobasco sauce, and fresh lemon juice. Blend until smooth.
4. Put about 1/2 cup hot water in ketchup bottle to get the rest of the ketchup off (this recipe uses a 28 ounce bottle of organic ketchup), shake and pour into sauce.
5. Cook 10 minutes.
6. Add chicken pieces and bring to a boil. Put top on and reduce to medium (or 3 or 4, whatever level your stove needs to be at to maintain a simmer).
7. Simmer covered, stirring occasionally, for 20-30 minutes until chicken is fully cooked. Then serve hot or simmer until you’re ready to serve. The longer you cook the chicken in the sauce, the better it tastes.
8. Enjoy and repeat often.

My favorite pancakes ever

I’ve been making these pancakes for years. They are a Saturday brunch kind of recipe because they take some time to prepare and I usually only do breakfast foods that take time on Saturday’s. . . But today is an ice day without any ice so it seemed like as good a day as a Saturday.

Sometimes I make these with bananas in them, sometimes I make them with blueberries, but today I’m making them with white chocolate chips. I’m going to serve them with hot chocolate that has white chocolate chips in the bottom and see if the kids can tell any difference between this hot cocoa and normal. I experiment like that sometimes.

I don’t usually give my kids such a sugary breakfast, but today is such a blah day that I wanted breakfast to be fun. Like a breakfast tea party with hot chocolate. Little girls love that kind of thing. And I love my little girls.

I don’t remember where I got this recipe. I tried a bunch of recipes before I found one and I’m fairly certain this is a franken-recipe where I picked things I liked from different recipes and made one I liked. Either way, it’s my favorite pancake recipe and makes golden, fluffy pancakes that my kids ate before I remembered to take a picture of.

This recipe is for a double batch because that’s how much my kids eat when I make them. If you don’t have 4 kids who pretend like they’re starving whenever pancakes appear, you can easily make half of the recipe.

Pancakes

Ingredients:

• 1.5 cups milk
• 1/4 cup white vinegar
• 2 cups all purpose flour
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 tsp salt
• 2 eggs
• 1/4 cup coconut or olive oil
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1 cup blueberries or white chocolate chips or bananas (optional)

Directions:

1. Mix milk and vinegar and set aside for 5 minutes.
2. Mix dry ingredients in a large bowl.
3. Mix wet ingredients into soured milk.
4. Pour wet into dry, mix until just moistened.
5. Add toppings and fold in.
6. Cook on medium heat until edges are bubbling then flip and cook until done.

Note: I like to cook in my nonstick pan with no spray, but you can use spray or oil or butter if you prefer.

Pick a Favorite.

I hear it all the time, that you aren’t supposed to pick favorites. Usually it’s referring to not showing favoritism, but that isn’t how it’s phrased. “You aren’t supposed to pick favorites.”

Well, I disagree. I think you should pick a favorite. And marry them. Here’s my logic:

You don’t get to pick your parents. You don’t get to pick your kids. But you do get to pick your spouse. So pick your favorite and marry them and don’t ever forget they are your favorite.

This guy is my favorite: He is my favorite on good days and bad days. When it’s hot out and when it’s cold. He likes my stupid jokes and says thank you when I burn his dinner. He comes home to a mess and takes charge and has it cleaned up so fast my head spins. He’s my hero, my white knight, my best friend and my wingman.

I love it when he sings, especially when he doesn’t know I’m watching and listening. I know he’s happy when he’s singing and if he’s happy, I’m happy. I’m happy with him even when I’m devastated. Everything is better with him beside me.

He’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for me and he’s my favorite. I tell him often so neither of us forget that.I don’t want to ever forget. I don’t want to ever take him for granted or think that the way the toilet paper is put on the toilet paper holder is a big enough deal to be an issue. I don’t want to ever let anything small become an issue between us.It’s the little things. It’s the little things that make me feel loved and so often it’s the little things that tear people apart. I want the little things to hold us together not tear us apart. People fight over the stupidest things and I don’t want to do that.

So I don’t. I surround myself with chickens and I remember to pick my battles and I fight for my husband not against him. Because I love him and he’s my favorite.

So pick a favorite. Then marry them. And keep them as your favorite. Your marriage and your world will be a much better place if you do.

**Note, the link above about picking battles is a great read and has a great message, but it also has some cursing in it. If cursing bothers you, please don’t click on it.**

13 things I wouldn’t have done if my daughter hadn’t died

For Maggie’s 10 months, I wanted to look at things a little differently. So often I focus on what I’m missing because it is such a big yawning hole in my life right now. It hurts me. It’s hard to ignore or look past.

As I was wondering about what she’d be doing now, I switched thought tangentially. I do that sometimes, make connections that other people don’t, quantum thought leaps that seem random but aren’t. I thought about what I would be doing if she was here for about 2 seconds and then I wondered what I wouldn’t have done if she was here. And I decided to make a list of the things I’ve done in the last 10 months that I would not have done if I was caring for a baby. Here it is, in no particular order:

1. Eddie and I went to our first GA bulldogs football game in Athens. The kids stayed with his parents, which probably would not have worked with a nursing baby and wouldn’t have been something I considered. I also would not have taken her with me because of the while clear bag thing (I always carry a ton of baby stuff with me) and because I think it’s ridiculous to pay for a ticket for a newborn who is going to be held the whole time (or worn), but either way isn’t going to occupy a seat, and isn’t going to even watch the game.
2. I climbed Amicalola Falls with 2 of my kids 5 weeks after giving birth.
3. We went to Braves games less than 6 weeks after giving birth and I took turns having a few innings alone with each kiddo and snapping selfies. I probably would have gone to a Braves game and taken Maggie after 6 weeks, but she would have been with me and I wouldn’t have had the alone time with each of my kiddos.
4. I started riding bikes again. In the 10 months since I lost Maggie (and really just in the past 8 months since I didn’t start riding until May), I’ve ridden 104.5 miles. That doesn’t really sound like a lot, but it is when you consider it’s something I love that I hadn’t done in over 15 years prior to starting in May.
5. We climbed Kennesaw mountain. I’ve never really gone hiking with my babies when they were babies and I doubt I would have started with Maggie.
6. I spent a couple weekends alone with my hubby while the kids were with their grandparents. And at least 1 Saturday night a month on a date while my kids played at the YMCA. We need that time to reconnect, but Maggie wouldn’t have been able to be at the Y for parents night out until she was at least 3 months and I doubt I would have let a nursing baby spend the weekend away from me. I’ve just never been good enough at pumping to make that possible. And I’ve always been okay with that. I like my babies close. But I also love doing crazy stuff like this with my hubby.
7. I spent the weekend away in Blue Ridge with my friends, learning more about health and nutrition. Enjoying some girl time. Not something I would have done with a 5 month old nursing baby at home.
8. I took the kids to VBS. Because driving an hour to drop off 4 kids and stay in the area for 4 hours and amuse a 4 month old would not have appealed to me like taking my kids to VBS and riding a bike did.
9. I started a business and had so much fun learning more about nutrition at business events with my friends like at this salad in a jar party. That was such a good salad, too. I probably also would not have tasted purple cauliflower either and it is so good.
10. I discovered so many great Korean recipes. Because let’s be honest, when there’s a new baby in the house, you go with whatever food is easy, familiar and quick to make.
11. We helped spruce up a foster home for boys as a family with my Sunday school class. It would have been too hard with a 7 month old in tow.
12. I hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas for the first time at my house. I’m thinking it just would have been too much for me to take on with a baby to care for.
13. I went to a Christmas party with my hubby without the kids.

There are probably other things I wouldn’t have done that I just didn’t take pictures of. There are definitely things I wouldn’t have done that aren’t positive and I’ll share a list of those later, but this list is a comfort to me and a good reminder that not only bad things come through grief. I would never have traded my daughter for these things. I would give them all and more to have her back. But the time between when I lost my Maggie and now has not just been a black hole of despair. There have been many happy times and memories made that just wouldn’t have happened if we had her with us. Sometimes it just helps me to focus on the good even in the painful times. Especially in the painful times.

If you have suffered a loss, I am so sorry for your pain. I encourage you, when you can, to look for the good and find comfort in it.

Whether you’ve suffered a loss or not, I encourage you to make happy memories with your loved ones. Take pictures so you can remember the good times. Love the ones you’re with while you can. Time is short and there’s never “enough” no matter how long you have. Your life can change in an instant. Enjoy it while you can. It is so precious.

Pico de Gallo recipe (gluten, dairy and sugar free)

This is another of JoAnna’s awesome recipes. She made it once when I was pregnant and I loved it so I had to keep making it all the time. I’ve been making it ever since. I think this was back when I was pregnant with Izzy and she will be 10 in a couple weeks so this is a long-loved recipe, tried and true.

It takes a while to make because it involves a lot of chopping and some of my kids won’t eat it because “it’s spicy”, but I like it so much I don’t even care if they eat it. I’d eat it all by myself and be totally ok with that. It’ll just take me a while. It’s good on tacos, burritos, any Mexican food really and is good on tortilla chips as well.

This recipe makes a big batch. If you want, you can make half of it to start off with and use half of everything except the cilantro (because it’s hard to divide a bunch of cilantro).

I don’t think it would freeze well, but I don’t know for sure. I’ve never had enough left to freeze. It can be made ahead of time and refrigerated. It’s gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, junk free, full of different colors of veggies and absolutely delicious. And if you make it and you don’t like it, let me know and I’ll come eat it for you.

Pico de Gallo

Ingredients:

• 10 Roma tomatoes, diced
• 5 jalapeños, seeded and diced
• The leaves from 1 bunch cilantro
• 2 bunches chives, diced
• 1 onion (you can use red or white, I usually use white but red would be prettier), diced
• 1 lemon, juiced
• Salt to taste

Instructions:

1. Chop all ingredients.
2. Mix all ingredients.
3. Taste and add salt, if needed.
4. Enjoy and repeat.

2017 in review

There are 2 things I like to do at the end of the year – reflect on the past year (both good and bad) and decide what I would like to take into the next year and what I would like to leave behind. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore. I used to and they were always superficial and lasted less than 2 weeks and made no lasting impact on my life. So I left that behind.

Today I’m going to share with you some of my reflections of this year. Tomorrow I’ll share what I’d like to take into next year and what I’d like to leave behind.

My main reflection of this year is that it sucked. Badly. It was hard and long and frustrating. It contained the death of my sister and my daughter, a battle with shingles, many months of unspeakable grief that I honestly can’t remember much of, constant car issues for both our vehicles, plumbing issues, a dead rat in my dryer chute, grey water collecting under the house and polluting our air shafts, my aunt being very sick and being apart from some of my loved ones just to name a few. I’ve been looking forward to the end of 2017 since January 12. No joke.

But it also contained the forging of some beautiful friendships, feeling the prayers of people surround me like a hug in my darkest moments, 364 days spent with my husband and my kiddos who I love more than anything in this world and 1 day spent away with friends in Blue Ridge learning more about health and nutrition, finishing the c25k program, lots of bike riding, starting a new health program and seeing some fantastic results, starting a business, starting new holiday traditions, my sister coming home from South Korea (I’m hoping for good), and a wonderful visit to my favorite place in the world — the bayou.

This year has been painful, irritating and frustrating, but it has also been beautiful and lovely at times. I’ve learned a lot, lost a lot, gained a lot, grown along the way. It’s been a roller coaster year.

Here are a few things I’ve learned:

• Nothing is just bad or good. This year feels like an awful year, but parts have been good. Loss sucks, but helped me to grow and to be more aware and sensitive to others in pain around me. Even the worst moments and choices in my life have been valuable learning experiences even if all I learned was never to do that again.
• When times are hard, look for the helpers. They are always there to pray and help in tangible ways. You just have to look for them.
• The people who you expect to help aren’t always the ones who do. Sometimes they can’t. Sometimes they don’t have it to give. God always sends help when we need it, though sometimes it comes from unexpected hands.
• Loss and grief are the expressions of love you have left when loved ones die. They are love on the other side. The flip side of love. Love never ends and neither does grief.
• We are complicated beings. We can feel so many different even contradictory feelings at the same time. It can be dizzying.
• The only way to remember the past accurately is to record it when it’s the present. Our minds are tricky and rewrite the past over time to make it be more palatable.
• Time is fleeting. It isn’t promised. We have to love the ones who are with us while they are here. We have to seize the moment and make the most of it. Make it count as if it’s the last. Invest our time and our attention on those we love. It’s harder to pay attention than to go through life distracted, but it’s also better.
• I need sleep, exercise, good food, at least 96 ounces of water, some quiet time, a good devotional, some music and connection with other humans (that I like) to have a good day.
• My husband is the best friend, wingman, daddy and hubby in the world. God matched me so well. I always thought so, but this year proved it.
• God is good all the time and all the time God is good. He never leaves me. He is always with me.
• Kids grieve, too, and need help with their grief. We all need help with our grief, but they extra need help. If we don’t know what to do with ours, how much more do they not know what to do with theirs?

I probably learned some other things this year, but I reckon that’s enough for now. What do you do at the year end? Do you review your year? How did yours measure up? Are you ready for the new year? I’d love for you to share in the comments if you’d like to.

The Great Present Dilemma

If you have more than one kid, you’ve probably experienced gift comparison. So and so has more presents under the tree than me, etc. You may even have dealt with one or more of your children trying to peek or shake or squish a present to try to figure out what they are getting. I know I have. It almost seemed unavoidable. Until I figured out how to avoid it.

A couple years ago, my sister decided to use reusable wrapping paper. She was a seamstress so she made bags or wrappings that she could reuse year after year and each kiddo got a different fabric so they knew which presents belonged to which kid just by looking at the fabric wrapping.

I am not a seamstress. I knit and crochet and am so much not a seamstress that just sewing in the ends of the yarn annoys me. So I wasn’t about to sew reusable Christmas wrappings and knitting them was out of the question as well, but her idea did give me an idea that I felt like I could use that would change how we did gifts.

That year, I decided to wrap each kid’s presents in a different wrapping paper and not label any of them. I put a tiny square of their wrapping paper in the bottom of their stocking. On Christmas Day, after we read the story of Jesus’ birth in the Bible, the kids get their stockings first and then they get to discover which wrapping paper is theirs. But until then, I don’t see my kids shaking or squishing packages or trying to peek because they have no idea which presents are theirs.

This year, we took it a step farther. My 7 and 10 year olds were both getting stick horses and those came in big boxes so I wrapped all the other presents for them and shoved them into the box with the unwrapped stick horse. Then I wrapped the box. I also found a large box for my 13 year old and my 8 year old to wrap all their presents in. By the time we wrapped all the presents, we didn’t have enough paper left for the big box so on a couple we did a patch job and put the side with their paper toward the wall or we used a different paper for the big box.

When the kids opened their stockings this year, they were a little confused so we let them try to figure it out for a few minutes and then we helped them find their boxes.

This was also the first year that the kids decided to do their own Secret Santa. They chose names and made something for a sister, which snowballed into them making one or more things for all their sisters and then me and their dad and their aunt. It kept them occupied in the days out of school leading up to Christmas, they were focused on giving and they were excited about it, so it was all good in my book.

When it came time to open presents, though, they had to give out the gifts they were giving before they could open the gifts they were receiving. This not only put an emphasis on giving before receiving, it also resulted in my kids finishing giving at different times so instead of each opening one present then each opening another until they were done, they got to open all their presents at once so while they were opening, they were focused on their gifts, not anyone else’s. They weren’t counting how many gifts each person got. They were just opening and oohing and ahhing over the gifts they received.

We’ve been using a variation of this system for a couple years now and have had some great results. I’ll probably change it a little again next year, to keep them on their toes, but I fully intend on using some variation of this system for the foreseeable future. It works for us.

I hope you all had a very merry Christmas and if you have a gift wrapping system that you’d like to share, I would love to hear all about it in the comments.