We live less than 5 miles from the hospital where my daughter was stillborn. I remember a time when that was a good thing.
When my youngest living child, Rory, was born, I didn’t realize I was in labor. She was 3 days late and I was achy and I felt like I had to pee. So I went to the bathroom then took a hot shower and didn’t feel any better so I woke my mom up and told her we might need to go get checked at the hospital. Then I felt like I had to go to the bathroom again and my water broke as her head came out. So when I found out I was pregnant with Maggie, being so close to the hospital was an advantage.
At my first doctor’s appointment, they couldn’t find a heartbeat so they sent me to the imaging center at the hospital, where they did an ultrasound and found her heartbeat.
They lost her heartbeat so many times when I was pregnant that I was surprised that it still scared me every time. Playful little girl liked to hide and when they’d find her with the doppler, she would kick it and run away. But sometimes they wouldn’t be able to find it at all so they would do an ultrasound to find it.
Then came the day when they did the ultrasound and couldn’t find it. And my heart shattered into a million pieces. I went to the hospital that was so blessedly close and I hoped and prayed that they would find a heartbeat on their ultrasound even though they hadn’t been able to find one on the ultrasound at the doctor’s office. And they didn’t. And each piece shattered into a million pieces.
They induced me. I labored all night. I had labored 4 other times, 1 induced and 3 completely natural births. This one hurt worse than all the others combined. It hurt on so many levels.
We spent about 29 hours at the hospital with her when she was born. And then we had to leave her there. So she could be autopsied so they could find out why this happened. And they told me to take ibuprofen for the pain. All my other births they sent me home with painkillers, but the one that hurt the most they sent me home and told me to take otc meds.
And then they lost her. I don’t know how you lose a dead baby because it’s not like they can run away, but they did it. It took over an hour for them to locate her, only for them to inform us that they had still not done the autopsy they were supposed to do immediately after we surrendered our child to their care. And that broke our hearts all over again. Because we could have spent more time with her. We were lied to and robbed of over 2 days with our precious daughter by the very people that were supposed to be caring for us. And her.
Because they took so long to autopsy her, the funeral home was unable to embalm her and we had to have the funeral that week instead of waiting for my sister to return from South Korea. So she never got to see her niece.
And that place, the place of my nightmares, the root of my pain is less than 5 miles and just 8 stop lights from my house. I pass it all the time. I hate being so close. I’d rather die than go there again.
But today, my daughter had to go to the imaging center for an X-ray. So I had to drive the same driveway we took to get to the women’s center. I had to go to the same imaging center that first found her heartbeat. The X-ray tech asked me when I was due. And I told her never, that we lost a baby in February because that’s the one my body shows, but my heart was so full of Maggie. And my heart broke all over again.
I hate this place. I hate what it means to me. I love and hate the memories it holds. It haunts me.
I hate that I still look pregnant. I hate it every time someone asks when I’m due. I hate the pity in their eyes or the abrupt end to the conversation that follows my answer. I hate the temptation to lie and not deal with it. I hate it all. And I hate that place. I kind of hate today already. And I can’t seem to escape any of these hated things.
It’s so cold here. I’d really like to go crawl in my bed and warm up and go back to sleep. But I’m going to go running instead. So hopefully I can be one run closer to not being asked when I’m due. Because I think that’s the only hated thing I can do anything about.
Made from Scratch 