Running a way with my grief

I need to run. It isn’t a want. It’s a need. It is an option that doesn’t need to be opted out of for my mental and physical health.

I have opted out of it, though. In some of my darkest times when I most needed those endorphins, I have opted out. When I began to miscarry while running, I opted out for almost a year. I just couldn’t. I needed it, but I couldn’t. And I suffered because I didn’t. I suffered depression and anxiety. I gained weight, which just exacerbated my mental issues. And I’m convinced that I suffered all of these things for longer than I otherwise would have because I opted out of what I needed to do to recover some sort of equilibrium faster.

That having been said, I have commented before that every time I start running, I either get pregnant or injured before I attain my running goals. It’s said in a sort of tongue and cheek manner, but it is not really. It’s the truth. And it’s what happened this year.

I started running again and I started seeing results and boom I got pregnant. Unlike my pregnancy with EJ, I continued to run right up until we lost this baby. I had just finished week 6 day 2 of c25k. I had just run my second nonstop mile. I was 12 weeks along and death stopped me in my tracks.

I had to have a D&C again. (Don’t get me started on the irony of being anti abortion and needing an abortion procedure in order not to bleed to death. Again. That’s a different blog post for a different day.)

Besides the loss of our baby, the thing I hated the most about having a missed miscarriage again (and a D&C again) was having to stop running for 2 weeks. I needed not to run, but I needed to run. I couldn’t run — I needed to heal, but I needed to run, too, because not all the necessary healing was physical.

I needed to run but I couldn’t. Instead, it was my carrot for 2 weeks. Just keep going until I can run. Bandaid that depression and anxiety until I can run away from it. Just keep plodding. Just keep breathing. Just hold on the running is almost here.

Then when that 2 weeks was over, I was both excited and scared to run again. I was scared it would hurt or I would need longer to heal and would have to stop and wait again. But I needed it more than I feared it and I was excited to see what I could do after a 2 week break. I was excited to feel the wind in my hair again.

I was in a dark, sad place emotionally and I needed to run to process it. I needed to run to get away from that place. I needed the endorphins and the quiet running offers. I needed to run more than I needed not to. (Which is my state of being 90% of the time or more.)

Ten days ago, I was cleared to run again. And I did, gently at first. I’m still on week 1 of c25k after 10 days (6 of which were spent running this run), but I’m running almost every day and yesterday I challenged myself to run a mile nonstop — and I ran 2 miles nonstop and felt like I could have run farther. It was amazing.

Running doesn’t fix grief, but it helps clean up my head space. It doesn’t run away my grief, but it makes a way for me to live in the midst of ever present grief. It keeps my anxiety and depression at bay and it’s something I look forward to doing all day long. And most days it feels amazing in a way I don’t feel the rest of the time. I run a way with my grief. I make a new path for me to live in.

I need it. And I function much better and handle whatever comes my way much better when I give myself what I need.

Some things I need to survive. Some things I need to thrive. And running is in the gray area between the two.

Now I’m not saying running will help your grief. Running doesn’t fix grief. And running might not be your thing or even a viable option for you. But discovering what you need to survive, what you need to promote good mental health as physical health for you, discovering what you need to thrive and making an effort to give yourself those things daily — that helps. Despite the circumstances I find myself in, making sure I have what I need physically and mentally helps me.

Some things can’t be fixed, but most things can be helped by taking care of our needs and reducing stress in our lives and our bodies. I know that is easier said than done sometimes. Sometimes in the midst of my pain, I have blamed myself and not cared what I needed and suffered more than I had to because I denied myself what I needed as a self-punishment.

Grief isn’t fixed by running. Grief just is. It’s a constant suck with waves of greater suck. But running helps me. I need it to function some days. Other days I need it to thrive. Either way, I need it.

Dear Grieving Mom,

My wish for you this year is that you find what you need and give yourself the grace to give yourself what you need. It won’t stop the grief, but it will help some. And that is better than nothing.

With Gentle Hugs and lots of love,

Maggie’s mom

Running for my life week 8

This week took almost 2 weeks to finish. I started off with a short run with the babies (7 and 9) on Friday. My 9 year old’s legs needed a break after 10 minutes so we walked after that and that was ok with me since I’d just run 25 minutes nonstop the day before and I still had a cold. It was a good day to not run for 28 minutes. I forgot until I was on the sidewalk that it was trash day so 10 minutes of dodging trash cans on the sidewalk was enough for me. Maybe I’ll take the kids to a trail for my next Friday run. Just saying.

Saturday I did Jillian Michaels 30 day shred level 1 day 1. I’ve been thinking about restarting that program for a while, but didn’t want it to impact my running. Turns out that was a valid concern. I was sore all over afterwards for days and I didn’t even do it nonstop. I stopped every few minutes to drink water and cuss at Jillian.

Sunday I did my first 28 minute run before church and then we took our kids for a 4 mile walk at Heritage Park after church. It was a great time spent exercising as a family and making happy memories, but I overdid it. I was already stiff and sore from the 30 day shred and running so the combo resulted in the soreness continuing for days afterwards.

Monday thru Wednesday were rest days because Monday and Tuesday I was still sore and stiff and Wednesday I woke up with a migraine. Thursday and Friday I started some spring cleaning and decluttering and didn’t end up doing anything else.

Saturday I went bike riding with my hubby for date night. We rode 5 miles and we also beat my fastest 5 minute segment. I did 1.07 miles in 5 minutes and my previous record was 1 mile in 5 minutes. I didn’t beat it by much, but I’m going to celebrate the little I beat my PR as much as I can.

Monday I didn’t do anything. I don’t even remember why. Tuesday I did my second 28 minute run and yesterday I finally finished the c25k program. Kinda. The final run was 30 minutes nonstop. It was *supposed* to be a 3 mile run, but I only ran 2.11 miles in that time, which means I can run a 14:13 mile at this point. I also continued to walk when I was done until I got to the 5k distance (3.11 miles). I might not be able to run the whole thing yet, but I can get used to going the distance with each timed run.

It’s a little anticlimactic to finish the program and also a little surreal. I didn’t finish it in 8 weeks as designed, but I finished it in 10.5 weeks, which is a lot faster than I finished it in last cycle. I’m so proud I finished it even if it took a little longer than it should have and even if I don’t run as fast as the program thinks I should at this point. I finished it and I feel a sense of accomplishment for it.

And I’m not done yet. I’m still running for my life. I still need to run. Those days when I can’t run or don’t run, I feel it. It definitely affects my mindset and my mood in a bad way and it gets worse the longer it stretches out. I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.

What I do plan on doing is trying to run at least 3 times a week, 2 runs increasing the time I run without stopping and 1 run to work on speed. And I’m going to try to incorporate the 30 day shred at least twice a week. It sucks and I hate it, but it works and I love the results. Once my kids start school again, I’d also like to incorporate bike riding at least once a week for cross training and just because I love it.

I’m going to keep posting my results and my progress only now I’ll *really* be posting it once a week. I feel more motivated and accountable knowing that I’m going to have to post what I do and don’t do every week. I need that accountability. So thanks for reading and holding me accountable. It helps me more than you know.

Running for my life — week 7

“This week” consisted of three nonstop runs of 25 minutes each. This was by far my worst “week” this running cycle.

I ran Tuesday then my period roared in and kicked my butt so I wasn’t able to run again until Sunday. At the tail end of that, I came down with a summer cold and spent the next week in bed and didn’t run again until the next Thursday so this week’s worth of running took me 17 days to complete. 😬

It was awful. The runs themselves were good, but the amount of time between them was awful. Immediately before this, I ran or biked 9 days in a row (and one day did both) which I loved.

And who gets a cold at the beginning of the summer anyways? Maybe it’s a mom thing. Maybe the kids save the worst germs until the end of the school year, I don’t know. I eat healthy, I’ve been active, no one else in my family got sick at all, but I was down for the count. I spent a week in bed with something upper respiratory, no energy and no appetite. I was almost sick enough to go to the doctor.

It’s been 10 days now and I still feel a little sick. But the last couple of nights I’ve had a tough time sleeping again and I haven’t been sleeping during the day so I felt like it might be time to run again. I thought that running might help me sleep so I coughed my way through it. And I was right, it did help me to finally get a good night’s sleep.

It was hard, but I got through it. After a 10 day break, I crushed my run. Not only did I successfully finish it, running 25 minutes nonstop, I also threw 8 – 30 second sprints in there for funsies. I ran in the afternoon and definitely should have gone earlier in the day or (more likely to actually occur) waited until later because omg the heat and I’m not enjoying the sunburn, but it looked like it wanted to rain so I didn’t want to wait and miss out on my run. I thought I was going to die when I was done, but I got it done and it didn’t feel that tough while I was doing it compared to some of the runs I’ve done this cycle.

Today’s run reminded me of the importance of a good foundation and I reread that post today. It’s funny that at this point in my last c25k program, I was also unable to run for a couple weeks. That break was preceded by a fall not a cold, but when I continued running at that point I also had no problems with completing my run. It sucks not being able to run for a bit, but it is a nice test to determine if you’ve developed a good running foundation. If you have, you can totally take a break if needed and pick right back up where you left off without any endurance lost and that is definitely reassuring.

I’ve got one week of runs left. I will definitely be running at a cooler part of the day and may take longer than a week to complete those 3 runs to ease back into it and let myself finish kicking this cold and heal a bit from the sunburn I got yesterday. Or I may go for another 9 day streak because honestly I need a good night’s sleep like I get after a run every night.

Last night’s sleep reminded me of the “this sleep is power” commercial. Seriously. I’ve suffered from insomnia off and on for about 25 years now so running on the daily to be able to sleep is more than worth it to me. I *can* function on bad sleep because I’ve had to, but I’m a lot nicer to be around when I get a good night’s sleep.

Now onto the best part. During my time off, I had 2 non scale victories. I was finally able to put my engagement ring back on that I haven’t been able to fit on my finger for over 17 months and I haven’t had to take it off for a couple days due to my fingers swelling like I had to do nightly for a couple months there the last time I was able to wear it. And I was finally able to fit into a pair of jeans that I wasn’t able to fit in 2 weeks prior (and for about 2 years prior to that when I didn’t even try). I definitely feel like I lost some weight being sick and I could feel the difference in my running. It felt easier.

It’s taken me a while to feel like I’ve made some fitness progress, but I finally feel it and it’s such a great feeling. I hope I can keep it up and continue making progress. I also hope I’ll be able to keep the weight I’ve lost off and continue to lose weight and inches once my appetite comes back.

The likelihood is that after 10 days my stomach has shrunk and my appetite will not come back 100%, which would be fine with me. But it would be nice to get hungry sometime before dinner time. Or at dinner time. I know my body needs fuel to function well, to fight off summer colds, to run, and to build muscle and burn fat and it’s a lot easier for me to give it that fuel when I actually feel hungry. Otherwise I have a tendency to do the mom thing and take care of the kids and realize at dinner time all I’ve eaten that day was a banana. Oops.

I can’t believe I’m almost finished with this c25k program. I’ve got 3 more runs (2- 28 minutes non stop then a 30 minute run) before my final 5k nonstop distance run and then my goal is the same as it was last run cycle — to work on my speed for a while before I start training for a 10k. I’ve got a much better app to use now that has some speed runs built into it, which I’ve already been using, thanks to my cousin.

And this time I’m determined to actually run a 5k race. This will be my third time completing the c25k program and I’ve never run a race. I really wanted to do the March of Dimes 5k this year for Maggie, but I started training too late to finish by then. I’ll probably run at least one 5k this summer and then run a 5k in her honor in October. Being that it’s infant and pregnancy loss awareness month I’m willing to bet there will be a 5k for that cause somewhere near me. And then I can run the March of Dimes for all my lost babies next year.

It feels really good to have some longer term running goals and they feel attainable, which is also a nice feeling, but running is still work and I’m still running for my life. To make it worth living. To make me want to get out of bed. To have something for me. To feel like a person in my own right, not just a mom. To feel alive and unburdened for a couple minutes. To fight off depression and anxiety. To have a good quality of life. That’s still why I run.

Running for my life — week 6

This week was the week between Bereaved Mother’s Day and Mother’s Day. It was a very emotionally charged week with emotionally charged Sundays as bookends. It was a hard week emotionally and one I frankly wanted to run away from. But you can’t run away from hard days, you can only run on them. Time marches on, to the hard days and then through them and on and on.

I couldn’t run from these days, but I did put some of that desire to run away into running and cycling. This week, I ran Monday, did a bonus run Tuesday to work on some speed work, rode bikes Wednesday, ran again on Thursday, ran then rode bikes Friday, rode bikes Saturday, rode bikes Sunday and did my final run Monday. Yes, I know I said Monday twice. This is my first week of workouts that took longer than a week to complete, but I’m ok with that because I worked out every single day of that 8 day period, and one day twice. I just didn’t do c25k every day. Also, I would have finished it within the week if I hadn’t got rained out of one of my runs.

Thursday I got about 3/4 through my run when it started to rain big, fat drops that didn’t want to stop, so I made my way home so I wouldn’t kill my phone. I didn’t really consider that run to be completed successfully, so I redid it Friday.

On Friday, I decided to run 10 minutes then walk 3 then run 10 more. According to the description of this run, I was supposed to be able to run a mile in 10 minutes and typically I would run until I finished the mile (as I had attempted to do Thursday), but because I was going to ride bikes immediately after I finished running and I was running on hilly terrain, I was ok with fulfilling the time requirement without fulfilling the distance.

Monday’s run was 23 minutes nonstop. It was supposed to be 2.25 miles, but after having done cardio 7 days straight before that run, I was ok with running 23 minutes without fulfilling the distance. Also, I’ve come to accept that my speed is just not where the c25k app thinks it should be and I’m ok with that most of the time. I did work some speed work into this run, which helped me to increase the distance I ran and also helped my feet not to go numb by the end of my run, which was nice.

You might wonder how I work speedwork into a run. Well, I find a straightway in my running path and sprint about 30 paces then go back to my normal jog speed. It adds some variety to my run and a little extra mileage as well. If I keep it up, I hope one day I will be able to run a 10 minute mile, but for now I’m just happy for the stamina to be able to keep running after I sprint.

I have 2 weeks of running left in this program and I still look like I’m pregnant. I still get asked when I’m due. I’m still not where I want to be speedwise, physically, mentally or schedually. I sleep too much during the day and can’t sleep when I want to at night. I’m not “fast enough” in my running. My body lies to everyone I meet and speaks of a joy that months ago turned to despair. I still struggle with depression and anxiety daily. But I’m working on it. With every footfall, with every run, with every mile, I’m making progress.

Where I once used to pray I would be able to finish the c25k program, now I pray to God I can keep running on a regular basis once I finish it. Where I used to pray I’d finish my run (and sometimes I still do), now I pray to find the time and energy to run every day. I pray for no injuries. I pray for daily motivation. And I pray to see good results to give me continued motivation.

This running thing is a vicious cycle, just like grief. Only running seems to spiral upward whereas grief spirals down. I run to go in a more positive direction. I run to make my life worth living. I’m still running for my life.

Running for my life — week 5

This week, the weather was much nicer for running. My park finally dried up so I was able to go back running there and I met a goose family that had 6 babies waddling around between mama and daddy. It was very sweet and soothing for me. And then I got sunburnt. Which made me like the nice weather a little less. But just a little.

This week, I ran on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and I took my kids for a walk and a tromp through the woods on Thursday.

Monday, I completed my 3 runs of 5 minutes each successfully. My pace was 370-380 right footfalls per running segment. My shins and calves were very tight so I felt like my stride length was shortened because of that. I spent some time stretching afterwards to try and loosen up my muscles.

Wednesday was a dog day. Not as in dog days of summer when it’s really hot, but as in I felt like a dog magnet. I had dogs barking, dogs following me, one dog stopped right in front of me and I almost fell on her. Two of the dogs were strangers to me and none of the dogs were leashed or supervised. I love dogs, but not on my run when they are off the chain and on my tail. Especially if I don’t know them.

This time, I did not follow my run because it made no sense. It said to jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes) walk 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes) then jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes). I did the math and for that run to work that way, I’d have to jog slower than I walked, which made no sense to me. So I jogged 3/4 mile, walked 1/4 mile then jogged another 3/4 mile. I didn’t do it as fast as the c25k app thought I should be able to, but I got it done. It was a bit of a weird run, too, because even though I kept counting my footfalls I also kept losing count because dogs are distracting so I have no idea what my pace was on either running segment.

Friday was a crazy day for me. It was just one of those days when nothing seemed to work and I failed all day long. I didn’t want to run. I was sure I would fail it like everything else that day. But I had made it through the rest of the day somehow and I was determined to try.

It was hard. I did not run it as fast as c25k thought I should. I ran 2 miles in 27 minutes instead of 20 minutes. But I ran 2 miles nonstop, y’all. The farthest I’d run without taking a break to walk in the past 8 months was 3/4 of a mile so it was a big jump for me. But I did it. I wanted to quit most of the time. But I encouraged myself to keep going and I did it. My legs hurt afterwards. Even after stretching and soaking in a hot tub. But I did it. And I am so proud of myself. And I know I can do every other workout ahead of me because I did this one and no other workout in this series of workouts involves as big of a jump in mileage as this one did.

I’m still feeling that runner’s high. I’m going to ride it as long as I can. Hopefully long enough to finish the next 3 weeks successfully. I can’t believe I ran 2 miles without stopping. I can’t believe I only have 3 weeks left. I’m so glad I went running today.

And that’s what keeps me running. I’m always so glad when I’m done. I always have a feeling of pride and accomplishment when I’m done. I’ve never regretted a run. I’ve regretted getting injured. I’ve regretted stopping running prematurely and not finishing a run. But I’ve never regretted a run.

That’s what keeps me running. That’s what gets me up. Sometimes that’s what motivates me to get through the rest of my day because I know at the end of the day my hubby will get home and I will get to run and the rest of the day will melt away and I will feel that runners high again. I will feel like I’m fully alive, not like part of me is dead.

That is why I run — because it gives me back my life, if only for 30 minutes. And that is why I’m looking forward to next week’s runs even though I know they’ll be a little harder than this week’s because every day I run I know I’ll feel alive. And the other days, I’ll be able to hold onto that feeling or hold on until I feel that feeling again.

Running for my life — week 4

This week, I ran Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. I can’t believe I’m halfway done with this program.

The week started off pretty crappy for running, weather wise. It rained Sunday and Monday. Tuesday it was still drizzling, but I decided to run anyways. I dropped my oldest off at school to finish a project and went to the park by her school that I like to run at. And I found it completely flooded. Like the stream I like to run by was flowing over about 1/5 of the path. So I decided to run on the sidewalks by the park instead.

It was a little weird because it was a new spot to run, it was drizzling and my glasses were wet so I couldn’t really see and everything was wet and slick. I was running extra carefully so I wouldn’t slip and fall, which slowed my pace a little, but I finished my run successfully and I didn’t fall. It was my first run in my new shoes in the rain (and possibly my second or third run in the rain ever) so that was kind of new and exciting. The rain felt nice on my face once I started getting hot.

Wednesday the sky still looked like this: It wasn’t raining yet, but on the off chance it could rain all week since it is mid-April and April showers are supposed to bring May flowers and all that, I decided to run again. This time, the sidewalk was relatively dry and I was running on one of my normal paths so I was able to do 250 right footfalls in 3 minutes and 375 in 5 so I upped my pace a bit on the 3 minute runs. I spent the whole time counting steps and praying to God not to rain on me and He didn’t. All in all, it was a nice run.

Thursday it rained all day again so I didn’t run. I made sushi instead. Friday, it was a beautiful day and a beautiful run. It was also a unique run in that the 5 minute segments of running actually felt easier than the 3 minute segments. They both started out hard but there was a point in the 5 minute run at which it got less hard instead of more hard. It was pretty cool, but it was weird. Also one of my neighbors said I inspired her to want to run so that was very encouraging. It’s nice to think that my change for myself could inspire change in others.

This week I did better as far as the sleeping goes. Friday thru Tuesday I was up all day and fully functional which was nice but exhausting. Wednesday thru Friday, I slept until 11-12:30 and was fully functional after that. I was also having some trouble sleeping those nights for some reason so I think I just needed a little extra sleep.

I’m not where I want to be yet as far as wakefulness during the day. I’d like to get to the point where I can be awake from 6:10 when I get up to make my hubby breakfast and lunch and just stay upright and awake, not lay back down while the kids get ready for school. I’d miss the morning cuddles they give me, but that’s all I would miss. I feel like I’d get a lot more done and feel better about myself if I could function like a “real adult” and stay awake all day. I’m not there yet, but I’m making progress in that direction so for now, that’s good enough for me.

I’m dreading and anticipating next week’s runs. I remember week 5 really sucking last time. Up until that point, all the runs gradually increase in length while the walking gradually decreases. Next week is not gradual at all and all the runs are different. Run 1 has 3 segments of 5 minutes of running. Run 2 has 2 segments of 3/4 mile running (or 8 minutes) and run 3 is 2 miles nonstop. I’m pretty sure I can do Run 1, but the other 2 are going to be challenging. I just hope I’m up to the challenge.

Until next week, thanks for reading and encouraging me by following my running journey. It’s great introvert accountability, knowing people are following your progress but not having anyone actually contacting you or directly putting pressure on you to follow through on what you’re trying to do. It doesn’t sound functional, but it works for me and I thank you for being part of it.

Running for my life — week 3

This week, runs consist of two repetitions of 90 seconds running, 90 seconds walking, 3 minutes running, 3 minutes walking. I ran Monday, Wednesday and Friday and went bike riding with my husband Saturday. I lost some distance on my first 2 runs this week, but it was shark week so honestly I was just happy that I finished all my runs successfully and didn’t decide not to run just because I felt like crap. And I regained the lost mileage in my 3rd run so I’ve decided not to worry about it.

My pace is still consistently about 120 right footfalls in 90 seconds and slightly lower at 3 minutes (230-235 right footfalls). It wasn’t as easy to run 3 minutes as it was to run 90 seconds, but it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be either. It was doable. I had to keep my internal dialogue of encouragement going, but it was doable.

I had some technical difficulties with Wednesday’s run. Apparently anything that pops up on my screen can interrupt my run and I had a pop up on my first 3 minute run and didn’t realize it until I had run 4.5 minutes. Once I realized it, I started walking and finished my run successfully so I ran too long during that one segment, but besides that my run was perfect.

I ran with Rory on Wednesday, which was pretty humbling. I was worried when I took her with me that she would slow me down, but it ended up the other way around. I wish I had her energy. I have energy envy. Wednesday’s run went so well with Rory that I actually took Izzy and Rory with me to run Friday and Friday’s run went even better than Wednesday’s with the exception of the brief pause when a lady told me how cute my kids were running with me. Knowing my kids were behind me (or at times one in front and one behind) was encouragement for me to push just a little harder and run just a little faster because they were watching and at times getting too far ahead of me for my comfort.

My shins and calves still scream at me when I run. My shoes don’t feel as stiff. I’m still sleeping too much in the day, but some of that was shark week related. I did feel better after I ran than before I ran though so there’s one more thing running helps — PMS.

I’m sort of dreading next week’s longer runs. It’s still work to run. It’s still hard. But I’m still looking forward to it. I’m running on and loving (almost) every minute of it.

Running for my life — week 2

This week, I ran on Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday and biked on Saturday. Running 2 days in a row really made my shins and calves hurt, but I just really wanted to run again Wednesday so I did.

This week, in running, I learned that breaking in new shoes is not so fun. I love my new shoes. I love that they don’t look like hobo shoes, but they are just so stiff. I don’t know if it’s because they are not as high on the back of my heel as my old shoes were and that causes them to hit my heel the wrong way or if it’s just because they are so stiff, but either way my left ankle is not loving it. They were a little less stiff after biking in them, though.

This week, I ran 90 seconds nonstop instead of the 60 seconds I was running nonstop last week and my pace has stayed roughly the same. I was counting 80 right foot falls in 60 seconds and I’ve been counting 115-120 right foot falls in 90 seconds this week. I’m wondering how long I’ll be able to keep up this pace, but it’s a good one for me. Actually, with my new shoes it hurts more walking than running so I was tempted to start running before the 2 minutes of walking a couple times.

I’m also starting to think about my stride length and how I can lengthen it. 1.5 right foot falls a second seems pretty good to me, but I know that the longer my stride is the farther I will run per second. It seems like the tireder my legs get the shorter my stride gets and the lower my feet lift off the ground. I’m not sure if that will get better with time as I build endurance or if this is something I need to find a way to work on now.

I’m still sleeping too much, but I started off the week with a sleep deficit. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping at night again. I’m finally on the low end of normal as far as my iron level goes so I’m not anemic anymore. But I’m still having problems sleeping. I hope those will go away when my iron level gets back to normal. I’ve been having more energy since I started running again, but I need to work on getting in a better schedule as far as sleeping and waking goes. I’m not sleeping as much as I was, though, and I’m getting more done while I am awake so I’m definitely making progress.

Too close to the place that haunts me

We live less than 5 miles from the hospital where my daughter was stillborn. I remember a time when that was a good thing.

When my youngest living child, Rory, was born, I didn’t realize I was in labor. She was 3 days late and I was achy and I felt like I had to pee. So I went to the bathroom then took a hot shower and didn’t feel any better so I woke my mom up and told her we might need to go get checked at the hospital. Then I felt like I had to go to the bathroom again and my water broke as her head came out. So when I found out I was pregnant with Maggie, being so close to the hospital was an advantage.

At my first doctor’s appointment, they couldn’t find a heartbeat so they sent me to the imaging center at the hospital, where they did an ultrasound and found her heartbeat.

They lost her heartbeat so many times when I was pregnant that I was surprised that it still scared me every time. Playful little girl liked to hide and when they’d find her with the doppler, she would kick it and run away. But sometimes they wouldn’t be able to find it at all so they would do an ultrasound to find it.

Then came the day when they did the ultrasound and couldn’t find it. And my heart shattered into a million pieces. I went to the hospital that was so blessedly close and I hoped and prayed that they would find a heartbeat on their ultrasound even though they hadn’t been able to find one on the ultrasound at the doctor’s office. And they didn’t. And each piece shattered into a million pieces.

They induced me. I labored all night. I had labored 4 other times, 1 induced and 3 completely natural births. This one hurt worse than all the others combined. It hurt on so many levels.

We spent about 29 hours at the hospital with her when she was born. And then we had to leave her there. So she could be autopsied so they could find out why this happened. And they told me to take ibuprofen for the pain. All my other births they sent me home with painkillers, but the one that hurt the most they sent me home and told me to take otc meds.

And then they lost her. I don’t know how you lose a dead baby because it’s not like they can run away, but they did it. It took over an hour for them to locate her, only for them to inform us that they had still not done the autopsy they were supposed to do immediately after we surrendered our child to their care. And that broke our hearts all over again. Because we could have spent more time with her. We were lied to and robbed of over 2 days with our precious daughter by the very people that were supposed to be caring for us. And her.

Because they took so long to autopsy her, the funeral home was unable to embalm her and we had to have the funeral that week instead of waiting for my sister to return from South Korea. So she never got to see her niece.

And that place, the place of my nightmares, the root of my pain is less than 5 miles and just 8 stop lights from my house. I pass it all the time. I hate being so close. I’d rather die than go there again.

But today, my daughter had to go to the imaging center for an X-ray. So I had to drive the same driveway we took to get to the women’s center. I had to go to the same imaging center that first found her heartbeat. The X-ray tech asked me when I was due. And I told her never, that we lost a baby in February because that’s the one my body shows, but my heart was so full of Maggie. And my heart broke all over again.

I hate this place. I hate what it means to me. I love and hate the memories it holds. It haunts me.

I hate that I still look pregnant. I hate it every time someone asks when I’m due. I hate the pity in their eyes or the abrupt end to the conversation that follows my answer. I hate the temptation to lie and not deal with it. I hate it all. And I hate that place. I kind of hate today already. And I can’t seem to escape any of these hated things.

It’s so cold here. I’d really like to go crawl in my bed and warm up and go back to sleep. But I’m going to go running instead. So hopefully I can be one run closer to not being asked when I’m due. Because I think that’s the only hated thing I can do anything about.

What would make a runner stop running anyways?

Running is something I truly love. Sometimes I love it and I hate it at the same time (which mostly has to do with my calves and shins at this point), but even when it hurts I love it. Even when I hate it while I’m doing it, as soon as I’m done I’m looking forward to the next run. I always want to do it again.

I haven’t always loved running. I hated it in high school. I loved playing soccer but couldn’t stand running unless there was a ball in front of me. Somewhere around the time Rory was a baby, I read an article that said if you tell yourself you love running while you’re running, you’ll eventually love running. It took a while, but it worked for me and I’ve lived running ever since.

For the past 7 years, the c25k app has been on my phone and for the past 7 years I have loved running. But I have stopped running several times during those 7 years. Every time I restart, I ask myself why did I ever stop because I love it so much, but I usually had a pretty good reason. Or so I thought at the time. Today, I thought I’d share the reasons why I’ve stopped running in the past with y’all.

In no particular order, here are the main reasons I’ve taken breaks from running:

1. Injury — I love to run, but I’m also kind of a klutz. When Rory was a baby and I had just developed a love of running, one day I walked with the kids to a park so I could get my run in while they played. Just as I was running around a flipped over soccer goal, one of my kids screamed “Mom!” so I looked at them and tripped in some netting and hurt my knee. Which resulted in buying a knee brace and not running for a while. (This story also belongs in a list of reasons I shouldn’t run with my kids and reasons I should watch where I’m putting my feet. . .) This is not the only running injury I’ve had that caused me to take a break, but it was certainly the most memorable.
2. Miscarriage — When Eddie and I were first married, I was probably in the best shape of my life because most of our dates had consisted of meeting at various YMCAs and working out together while the kids played in the play centers and then getting lunch. We continued to work out several times a week and I continued to run after we got married. A couple months after we got married, we learned we were expecting and I kept running. A couple weeks later, during a run, I started bleeding. I had miscarried before so my heart immediately sank. I continued to bleed a little and a couple days later I started bleeding a lot and we lost the baby. At that point, I found myself unable to go to the YMCA or run. It was probably a year before I tried to do either again.
3. Pregnancy and fear — Almost 3 years to the day we found out we were expecting Baby B, we found out we were expecting Maggie. I was running some at the time, but I stopped. Because even though the doctor said I could continue to run without risking the health of my baby, I was scared to. I was scared it would make me lose Maggie because it was what I was doing when I lost Baby B. So I stopped. I also stopped running when I was pregnant with Ruth for the same reason. I knew it was an irrational fear, but the fear was just too deep. It was so much easier to stop running than to fight the fear and guilt that came with it.
4. Anemia and exhaustion — When I lost Ruth, I almost bled to death. So even though I wanted to run again when the doctor gave me the all clear to do so, I was still anemic and didn’t have the energy to do anything. It was at least 6 weeks before I felt like I had the energy to try to run again.
5. Depression and grief — Yes, running helps with depression, but only if you do it. If you are in a downward spiral, grief and depression are just so exhausting. So even though running would help alleviate depression and generate some much needed energy, it’s so hard to find the energy for that first run. It’s so much easier to stay in bed. There have been several periods of time when I took the easy way out for a while before I worked up the energy for that first run. But after that icebreaker run, it’s always much easier to run again.
6. Busyness and Motherhood — There have been several times when being a mom and then a military mom and then a single mom to 4 and then a married mom to 4 when I have just had too much going on. In true mom fashion, I tend to prioritize myself last. So when I have too much to do, often running is the first thing to not do. It’s a bad choice for me because running is like my oxygen mask. I put it on so I can take care of the rest of the world. And yet, when limitations of time exert themselves and I’m overbooked and stressed, I don’t always put on my oxygen mask. It doesn’t usually last long, but any amount of time when I don’t run takes a toll. What I save in time I lose in patience and sanity and then I remember I need to run to make everything work right.

So there you have it. The reasons why this lover of running has stopped running. Fortunately for me, I’ve yet to lose the love of running, even when I lose the will to run for a while. It’s my water. It calls me. And I am always better when I follow that calling.