When I was a child and young adult (before kids), I loved to read. Since I started having kids almost 14 years ago, I haven’t done as much reading as I wanted. Even my first pregnancy interrupted my reading. When I felt exhausted and nauseated all the time, I was more apt to sleep than to read. I still am.
Since losing Maggie, I have had many such exhausted times, but I’ve also struggled with filling empty time during the day and insomnia hours at nights. My sister Jessica introduced me to Overdrive, an app that allows you to check out kindle books through your local library. All you need is a local library card number and a device with internet access. Since then, I have read a bunch of books.
My sister introduced me to the hunger games series and a couple of other serieses and between reading those, I’ve searched for books on grief, either fiction or nonfiction. Today, I would like to introduce you to the 3 best books I’ve found on grief so far.
Belzhar by Meg Wolitzer — This is one of the first books I read that I found by searching for the subject of grief. It is about many different kinds of tragedies, as experienced by teenagers. It is not about the loss of children, but it is about loss and focuses on teens who are derailed by their losses. It is nonfiction and was a good read for me while I was feeling derailed. And it has a nice, unexpected twist in there, which I found interesting. I don’t want to spoil the plot, so I’m not going to give any more details about it, but I highly encourage you to read this book.
A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis —This is a nonfiction book, a journal of C. S. Lewis’ thoughts and feelings on his grief journey that started with the loss of his wife. It is not about the loss of a child, but does mention the loss of a child. I love this book because it made me feel free to grieve without feeling like a “bad Christian” for doing so. I’ve long admired C. S. Lewis’ writing style, having been a fan of The Chronicles of Narnia series since I was a child, and have always thought of him as a wise Christian. His raw expression of grief freed me to grieve openly, deeply and without feeling guilty about it. It’s a quick read and full of great quotes that really resonate with me. I’m going to limit myself to sharing just three.
“The act of living is different all through. Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” C. S. Lewis
“If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to ‘glorify God and enjoy Him forever.’ A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild.” C. S. Lewis
“I will turn to her as often as possible in gladness. I will even salute her with a laugh. The less I mourn her the nearer I seem to her. An admirable programme. Unfortunately it can’t be carried out. Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened again; the mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare unreality, the wallowed-in tears. For in grief nothing ‘stays put.’ One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?” C. S. Lewis
This book made me think about grief in different ways, it made me cry and it made me feel better at the same time.
Leaving time by Jodi Picoult — This is a fiction book about a girl whose mom has been missing for 10 years who is looking for her. Her mother had been a scientist who studied elephant behavior, in particular their reaction to grief. There are many references to an elephant’s grief when their calves die that really speak to me and demonstrate the author’s understanding of grief. I’m going to limit myself to my 2 favorite quotes from this book. The names are the person in the book who said the quote.
“I think grief is like a really ugly couch. It never goes away. You can decorate around it; you can slap a doily on top of it; you can push it to the corner of the room — but eventually, you learn to live with it.” Thomas
“There are an endless number of people who have left a love-shaped hole in the heart of someone else. Eventually someone brave and stupid will come along and try to fill that hole. But it never works, and so instead, that selfless soul winds up with a gap in his heart, too. And so on. It’s a miracle that anyone survives, when so much of us is missing.” Jenna
This book also has a twist that I can’t explain without spoiling it. It has a lot to say about mothering, a lot about elephant mothering that correlates to human mothering, and a lot about loss of child and calf but also mentions loss of a parent and loss of mind. It has a motherly perspective throughout the book, even though different chapters of the book are written from different people’s point of views, most of whom were not mothers.
I hope you’ll give these books a read. If you do, I’d love to hear your thoughts on them.
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