This week was the week between Bereaved Mother’s Day and Mother’s Day. It was a very emotionally charged week with emotionally charged Sundays as bookends. It was a hard week emotionally and one I frankly wanted to run away from. But you can’t run away from hard days, you can only run on them. Time marches on, to the hard days and then through them and on and on.
I couldn’t run from these days, but I did put some of that desire to run away into running and cycling. This week, I ran Monday, did a bonus run Tuesday to work on some speed work, rode bikes Wednesday, ran again on Thursday, ran then rode bikes Friday, rode bikes Saturday, rode bikes Sunday and did my final run Monday. Yes, I know I said Monday twice. This is my first week of workouts that took longer than a week to complete, but I’m ok with that because I worked out every single day of that 8 day period, and one day twice. I just didn’t do c25k every day. Also, I would have finished it within the week if I hadn’t got rained out of one of my runs.
Thursday I got about 3/4 through my run when it started to rain big, fat drops that didn’t want to stop, so I made my way home so I wouldn’t kill my phone. I didn’t really consider that run to be completed successfully, so I redid it Friday.
On Friday, I decided to run 10 minutes then walk 3 then run 10 more. According to the description of this run, I was supposed to be able to run a mile in 10 minutes and typically I would run until I finished the mile (as I had attempted to do Thursday), but because I was going to ride bikes immediately after I finished running and I was running on hilly terrain, I was ok with fulfilling the time requirement without fulfilling the distance.
Monday’s run was 23 minutes nonstop. It was supposed to be 2.25 miles, but after having done cardio 7 days straight before that run, I was ok with running 23 minutes without fulfilling the distance. Also, I’ve come to accept that my speed is just not where the c25k app thinks it should be and I’m ok with that most of the time. I did work some speed work into this run, which helped me to increase the distance I ran and also helped my feet not to go numb by the end of my run, which was nice.
You might wonder how I work speedwork into a run. Well, I find a straightway in my running path and sprint about 30 paces then go back to my normal jog speed. It adds some variety to my run and a little extra mileage as well. If I keep it up, I hope one day I will be able to run a 10 minute mile, but for now I’m just happy for the stamina to be able to keep running after I sprint.
I have 2 weeks of running left in this program and I still look like I’m pregnant. I still get asked when I’m due. I’m still not where I want to be speedwise, physically, mentally or schedually. I sleep too much during the day and can’t sleep when I want to at night. I’m not “fast enough” in my running. My body lies to everyone I meet and speaks of a joy that months ago turned to despair. I still struggle with depression and anxiety daily. But I’m working on it. With every footfall, with every run, with every mile, I’m making progress.
Where I once used to pray I would be able to finish the c25k program, now I pray to God I can keep running on a regular basis once I finish it. Where I used to pray I’d finish my run (and sometimes I still do), now I pray to find the time and energy to run every day. I pray for no injuries. I pray for daily motivation. And I pray to see good results to give me continued motivation.
This running thing is a vicious cycle, just like grief. Only running seems to spiral upward whereas grief spirals down. I run to go in a more positive direction. I run to make my life worth living. I’m still running for my life.
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