Running for my life — week 6

This week was the week between Bereaved Mother’s Day and Mother’s Day. It was a very emotionally charged week with emotionally charged Sundays as bookends. It was a hard week emotionally and one I frankly wanted to run away from. But you can’t run away from hard days, you can only run on them. Time marches on, to the hard days and then through them and on and on.

I couldn’t run from these days, but I did put some of that desire to run away into running and cycling. This week, I ran Monday, did a bonus run Tuesday to work on some speed work, rode bikes Wednesday, ran again on Thursday, ran then rode bikes Friday, rode bikes Saturday, rode bikes Sunday and did my final run Monday. Yes, I know I said Monday twice. This is my first week of workouts that took longer than a week to complete, but I’m ok with that because I worked out every single day of that 8 day period, and one day twice. I just didn’t do c25k every day. Also, I would have finished it within the week if I hadn’t got rained out of one of my runs.

Thursday I got about 3/4 through my run when it started to rain big, fat drops that didn’t want to stop, so I made my way home so I wouldn’t kill my phone. I didn’t really consider that run to be completed successfully, so I redid it Friday.

On Friday, I decided to run 10 minutes then walk 3 then run 10 more. According to the description of this run, I was supposed to be able to run a mile in 10 minutes and typically I would run until I finished the mile (as I had attempted to do Thursday), but because I was going to ride bikes immediately after I finished running and I was running on hilly terrain, I was ok with fulfilling the time requirement without fulfilling the distance.

Monday’s run was 23 minutes nonstop. It was supposed to be 2.25 miles, but after having done cardio 7 days straight before that run, I was ok with running 23 minutes without fulfilling the distance. Also, I’ve come to accept that my speed is just not where the c25k app thinks it should be and I’m ok with that most of the time. I did work some speed work into this run, which helped me to increase the distance I ran and also helped my feet not to go numb by the end of my run, which was nice.

You might wonder how I work speedwork into a run. Well, I find a straightway in my running path and sprint about 30 paces then go back to my normal jog speed. It adds some variety to my run and a little extra mileage as well. If I keep it up, I hope one day I will be able to run a 10 minute mile, but for now I’m just happy for the stamina to be able to keep running after I sprint.

I have 2 weeks of running left in this program and I still look like I’m pregnant. I still get asked when I’m due. I’m still not where I want to be speedwise, physically, mentally or schedually. I sleep too much during the day and can’t sleep when I want to at night. I’m not “fast enough” in my running. My body lies to everyone I meet and speaks of a joy that months ago turned to despair. I still struggle with depression and anxiety daily. But I’m working on it. With every footfall, with every run, with every mile, I’m making progress.

Where I once used to pray I would be able to finish the c25k program, now I pray to God I can keep running on a regular basis once I finish it. Where I used to pray I’d finish my run (and sometimes I still do), now I pray to find the time and energy to run every day. I pray for no injuries. I pray for daily motivation. And I pray to see good results to give me continued motivation.

This running thing is a vicious cycle, just like grief. Only running seems to spiral upward whereas grief spirals down. I run to go in a more positive direction. I run to make my life worth living. I’m still running for my life.

And if you can’t change your attitude, pray. God can.

I don’t know about you, but when I pray, I’m usually asking God to change something I don’t like that I can’t change. The other day I read a quote by Maya Angelou that said:

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” Maya Angelou

Of course, I immediately thought about all the things I have no control over, some of which I don’t even feel like I have much control over my attitude toward. That’s why I pray about them. Because they are God-sized, not Christina-sized, issues. And because the Bible says to bring my burdens to Jesus.

“Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time; casting all your worries on him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter‬ ‭5:6-7‬ ‭

“In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.” Philippians‬ ‭4:6-7‬

Now I don’t just take the big issues to God. I pray about what I’m struggling with, what I’m thankful for, what I’m not sure about. But when I ask God for something, it’s usually for him to change my circumstances — to take away something I don’t like, to fix something I want to keep or to give me something I don’t have that I want. The few times I’ve asked for God to adjust my attitude if he didn’t give me what I want, it was basically an after thought. Maybe even just a statement I felt I should throw in there for the sake of saying all the right words and sounding like a “good Christian”. Which I now find hilarious because I was basically trying to impress the God who can see inside my heart and mind by saying the right words. That I really didn’t even mean because I wanted God to give me what I wanted and I didn’t want that little add on at the end to ever be necessary. Like he didn’t know which words I meant and which I didn’t. Which He totally knew the whole time. I wonder if that made him laugh. Maybe you can relate to that, maybe not. Maybe you can but you aren’t ready to admit it? That’s ok. I’ve been there. No judgement here because I’m not fit to judge. Some days I’m still there. Pretty much any day that involves me asking God for something I really want, actually. It comes naturally to me to ask the God who made the universe to give me the big things or clean up the big messes I make. I know He can do it. He stopped the sun and moon in the sky for Joshua for a whole day.

“The sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the nation had avenged themselves of their enemies. Isn’t this written in the book of Jashar? The sun stayed in the middle of the sky, and didn’t hurry to go down about a whole day.” Joshua‬ ‭10:13‬ ‭

He parted the Red Sea and the Jordan river so his people could cross on dry land. He created everything we can see and everything we can’t see.

There is no limit to what my God can do. Except for His will. Ouch. Why does it hurt that God’s will isn’t my will? I guess because I’m selfish and I want what I want and it hurts not to get it. And then what do I do?I pray. I bring my hurt at not getting my way to my God who can more than handle any pain or anger I can toss His way and I trust Him. I trust that His plan made with his knowledge of everything is better than mine made with my knowledge of what I want. And what does He do? He changes my attitude. It isn’t instantaneous. It isn’t usually a test that results in me being rewarded with the thing I’d asked for that I didn’t get (that would be nice, though, right 😉). It’s just another opportunity for God to use my disappointment and pain to bring me a little bit closer to who He created me to be. And I’m thankful for that now that I can see it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to see it when he first says no. Maybe one day I’ll be able to really mean it when I ask God to help me if what I want isn’t His will instead of still hoping that’ll be an unnecessary statement. But today, today I’m just thankful that God can use even my willfulness and selfishness to draw me closer to Him and show me my need for Him and continue to transform me into the person He created me to be. So I like Maya Angelou’s statement, but I have to add something to it to make it work for me. “If you can’t change your attitude, pray.” God can. Life is full of stuff we can’t control. Some of which we can’t even control our response to. If you don’t believe me, wait a while. Wait until you get a hard no to something you really want. Like your child to be born alive. Or your sister to be healed. We all have times when we don’t get what we really, really want. Hopefully your times won’t look like mine. I wouldn’t wish either of those experiences on anyone. But chances are if you live long enough, even if your experience isn’t the same as mine, you will find yourself in a situation where something bad happens and you react with despair and grief. And when that happens, just know, God can use that for your good and His glory, too. And to clarify, I don’t believe He needs crappy stuff to happen in our lives to make us more like Jesus. But isn’t it nice that, living in a fallen, imperfect world where crappy stuff happens, God can use even the bad to grow us and stretch us and sanctify us? God is good.

No Longer Praying For God’s Will

I must have prayed that prayer 100,000 times. I’ve always struggled with insomnia, as far back as I can remember. When I started my step study in Celebrate Recovery (CR), someone suggested I pray that prayer when I couldn’t sleep. So I did.

It helped for a while. Possibly it bored me to sleep. Or maybe the devil just let me sleep so I’d shut up. I don’t know. After a while, I got to where I would say a line then reflect on what it meant. It went something like this (God’s word in bold, my word not in bold):

“Pray like this: ‘Our Father who art in heaven, and Earth as well, for You are everywhere at the same time hallowed be thy name your name is holy as you are holy, Thy Kingdom come. Bring your people to your desired place at your desired time Thy will be done help us accomplish your desired purpose, on earth, as it is in heaven. Help us to obey you and accomplish your will here as well as the Angels who see you do so in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Provide for our needs as you see fit. Forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors. Forgive me of my sins against you, forgive me for disappointing you and help me to forgive those who sin against and disappoint me. Bring us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. Help me to remember you are always with me, to help me resist temptation until it flees from me. For yours is the Kingdom, the power, and the glory forever and ever. For this is your place with your people here at your appointed time, you are all-powerful and you alone can help me succeed for your glory. Amen. I am in agreement with you, God. ’” Matthew‬ ‭6:9-13‬ ‭

My words weren’t always the same, but His were. Some nights I prayed it once, some nights it felt like I prayed it 1,000 times but eventually every night I would sleep.

Then one day, I discovered Joey&Rory and quickly developed a love for their music, mostly because they were a good Christian couple/band who vocalized in several songs that cheating is wrong and just voiced how I felt toward my ex and his wife in such a way that I no longer felt like a “bad Christian” for feeling that way. And then I found out Joey had cancer. Her husband, Rory, asked for prayer, that Joey would be healed and that God would prepare their hearts if she wasn’t healed. They wanted everyone to pray for His will. So I did. And then she died 4 months later.

About 7 months later, Eddie and I went to see To Joey, With Love in theatre. It was a beautiful tribute to a beautiful lady. Every moment was filled with Rory’s love for Joey. I should have taken tissues.

My sister, JoAnna, was sick at the time. She had been sick for a while. I took a page out of Rory’s book and I decided to start praying for a miracle in her life and for God to prepare our hearts if he chose not to heal her. It became my new prayer when I couldn’t sleep. I must have prayed that prayer 100,000 times, but every single time I prayed it, I believed she would get better. Every. Single. Time.

When she died a couple months later, I was not prepared. Maybe that’s something you can’t ever be prepared for, but even if you can be, I wasn’t. I immediately hit my knees and cried out to God. I told Him I know I prayed for His will, but He knew I wanted her to be healed. And He did. He knew what I wanted. He just didn’t give it to me, for His own reasons that I may never know.

When they couldn’t find Maggie’s heartbeat 7 weeks later, I didn’t pray for God’s will. I didn’t have time for 100,000 prayers. I just asked everyone I knew to pray for a miracle and to ask everyone they knew to pray for one, too. I prayed every second for her to be ok. But God said no. Again, I was not ready.

I’m never ready. But God’s will comes anyways.

So now, I do not pray for God’s will to come. I have every confidence that it will. I simply pray for healing and for God to prepare our hearts for His will. Because I know it’s coming down the tracks like a freight train, whether we are ready for it or not. So we better get ready. And we are just like babies who can’t ready ourselves, so I pray for God to ready us before that freight train hits.

I don’t know if the way my prayers have changed has helped me or not. All I know is the way I pray has changed. And it’s not that I don’t have faith, I’ve just come to realize that what I want is not always part of God’s plan for my life. I have faith that His will will be done. I just don’t have faith that my will and His will are always the same. And I know I need him to prepare me for those times when my will is for healing on Earth and His will is for a new body in heaven.

This is just another way that loss has affected my prayer life. Has loss affected yours? I’d love for you to share in the comments.

An open letter from this grieving mom to a new mom

I guess this is a prescript, my disclaimer. I just wanted to say that this is how I feel about my acquaintances who are having babies. People in my periphery, not my close friends. Not every grieving mom feels this way. But I do.

Dear Acquaintance,

I am so happy for the birth of your sweet baby. I prayed for him and I prayed for you. There was a part of me that was afraid to rejoice and pray, scared that your pregnancy might end like mine, scared it was something I could pass on. Now that he is here, I finally feel safe to celebrate him without reservation.

I know you don’t know me well. I met you a long time ago, but we weren’t close and didn’t keep in touch. I watched your son in the preschool department at our church and I love him, but it’s been a while since I taught him. A while since I spoke to you.

You just joined my Sunday school class. In many ways, you’re like a new friend. An after friend. Except I haven’t actually spoken to you. I’ve never spoken of my daughter to you because you were pregnant when you joined my class and I didn’t want to upset you. I haven’t spoken to you at all beyond saying hi because I’m hurting and I’m afraid it is contagious and I didn’t want to infect you — you were pregnant — and I didn’t know how much speaking I could do without speaking of Maggie, so I kept it shallow and brief and I told myself I was doing it for your sake. It’s true I didn’t want to upset you, but it’s also true that I didn’t want to be upset and break down in public.

I didn’t go to your baby shower because I couldn’t. I didn’t know if you knew about my daughter. I didn’t know if I could make it through your baby shower, rejoicing with you about your baby, without breaking down and grieving mine. I didn’t want to upset you, so I did not come.

In fact, I skipped church entirely that day. I didn’t know how to say I couldn’t be at your shower, so I went out of town to avoid saying anything about my feelings. Somehow “I’m not going to be in town” was much safer and socially acceptable than “I’m not sure I can navigate a baby shower at this point in my grief and I don’t know you well enough to break down in front of you and I don’t want to ruin your shower or make it about me.” So I took the easy way out. Everyone can understand out of town.

I want you to know I do rejoice with you. I gingerly rejoiced when I found out you were expecting and I hoped and prayed your baby would be happy and healthy and alive. And I fully rejoice with you now that he is here. But I am still mourning the loss of my baby and my capacity to rejoice is very limited.

Rejoicing with you is a choice. It’s a choice I choose to make, but it’s a choice nonetheless. Mourning my child is not. I can do both, but it’s tricky. Mourning and rejoicing mix like oil and water.

Mourning is a part of me now. It is always there. Rejoicing is like putting on a mask. It is real and genuine rejoicing, but it is temporary. It is put on and later comes off. I never know how long I can rejoice about anything without breaking down in my grief. My grief is not easily restrained and many days it outweighs everything else.

I am so happy for you, but I am not so happy. I am so hurting. And I don’t know how to express that in a way that I’m certain will not cloud your beautiful sunny skies, so I just keep away. I feel like I’m a cloud that can overcast any face and any day and that is not my intention.

I sit and think sometimes and try to come up with a way to say this without it making you sad, but I can’t so I hold my peace. I don’t know how to say I rejoice with you without explaining the sadness that would be visible on my face and in my heart. I don’t want to seem insincere and the only way not to would be to explain the meaning of my face. I don’t know how to talk to you about that. Sharing Maggie sometimes feels like a level of intimacy that we just aren’t at yet.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to come close to your baby. I’m feeling pretty fragile right now. I dearly love babies, but being near them often makes me wonder why mine can’t be here and so I really only draw near to babies whose mothers I know and love and who know about Maggie and will understand if I hold their sweet baby and cry. You and I are not there.

Maybe one day we will get there. Or maybe one day I will be stronger, feel better, and it won’t be so much of an issue. Maybe then, I’ll send this to you or maybe then I won’t need to. But for now, I just needed to write it. To express myself and my feelings, even if I can’t bring myself to share it with you. It’s healing for me to express myself.

I wish you and your family the best and I rejoice with you. I’m just not sure I’m ready for you to mourn with me. I’m not sure if that’s selfish or selfless, but it is where I am right now.

God bless you and your sweet family. I’m watching you and lifting you up in prayer from afar, where I can cry if I need to without feeling guilty about upsetting you. Without being seen. Without feeling the need to explain.

Wishing your family the best,

Maggie’s Mom

What Can You Do?

Sometimes you’re trying to get somewhere early and you wind up an hour late, frustrated and praying the whole way that God will show you something. . . And then he does.

The other night I went to a cooking class at Bread Beckers for Christmas recipes. At the end of the night, the lady leading the class (I think she was the owner of the store) had a devotional time and shared 2 things that really spoke to me that I’d like to share with you.

The first was the meaning of the word peace in John 14:27:

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you: not as the world giveth, give I to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

She said in Hebrew, each letter has its own picture symbol (hieroglyph) with its own meaning and then the letters together have a meaning. The word for peace is 4 letters in Hebrew. The first means destroy. The second means authority. The third is a connecting word like of. And the fourth means chaos and confusion. So in that verse, Jesus was telling us he gives us the ability to destroy the authority of chaos and confusion, not giving us a feeling of calmness, like the world view of peace.

I’m not sure why that touched me so, probably because most days I feel like I’m surrounded by chaos and confusion. I’m not really sure how to put that gift into action besides praying and asking God to take care of the chaos and confusion around me and in my heart.

I was also encouraged to make daily devotionals a priority again. I don’t know why it’s so easy to drop that habit when life gets crazy when I know that having a daily devotional time with God really helps me when life gets crazy. It’s so lacking in logic, but it is what happens in my life. I drop the ball and devotionals and then I have to realize again how much I need that time and then I start it back.

The second thing that she shared with us was a vision, a concept. She shared about a mission that she’s part of that goes to Haiti and teaches people to make bread. She said she knows not everyone can go to Haiti and teach people to make bread, but we can all do something to help those around us. She reminded me of these verses:

“Then the King will tell those on his right hand, ‘Come, blessed of my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry, and you gave me food to eat. I was thirsty, and you gave me drink. I was a stranger, and you took me in. I was naked, and you clothed me. I was sick, and you visited me. I was in prison, and you came to me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry, and feed you; or thirsty, and give you a drink? When did we see you as a stranger, and take you in; or naked, and clothe you? When did we see you sick, or in prison, and come to you?’ “The King will answer them, ‘Most certainly I tell you, because you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’” Matthew‬ ‭25:34-40‬

So often I feel like I don’t have anything left to give. I feel empty and broken, but that is not true. I have my words that I share that sometimes help others and I have other abilities, too.

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been knitting at night to relax and keep my hands busy, making some new patterns and knitting hats to keep people warm this winter. When I do it, I usually don’t think of it as something important. To me, it’s such a small thing — using leftover yarn to make hats for people who are out in the cold. I don’t think of it as clothing Jesus. But according to Matthew 25:40, it is. When I think of it as clothing Jesus, it seems a lot bigger somehow. More important. Holy even.

At the Bread Beckers class, I was inspired to keep knitting and pray for the recipients of the hats I knit while I knit them and pray that God sends me recipients for my hats because I have quite a few knit now that need a head to warm. I may not be able to go to Haiti to teach people to make bread or donate large amounts of money to feed the poor today, but I can help the people around me.

I do help them when I meet them. I pray for them. I talk to them. I give them what I can and I knit for them in the meantime, but I rarely think it is enough. Her message encouraged me, helped me to see that what I do is helping people and it’s important — not an insignificant, small thing as I tend to view it.

I felt a challenge in that devotional time, to do more to help those around me and to see what I do as something important, my way to help others.

I felt the call to personally do more and now I’m sharing it with you, in hopes that I might inspire you to join me. We all have something we can do to help those around us. We all have skills, even if it’s just knitting a hat. What can you do? No matter how small, do it. Help others and in doing so, you help Jesus. Be a part of making this world a better place, one act of kindness at a time. We can all do something. . . What can you do?

How loss affected my prayer life

When my sister was sick, I prayed for her constantly. I asked my friends and family to pray for her. My Sunday school class prayed for her. 

Toward the end, I watched To Joey with Love and was so impressed by his faith, praying for a miracle and for peace with God’s decision that I began to pray for my sister to be healed, for God’s will to be done and for peace in our hearts if God did not choose to heal her. 

On the morning my sister died, when I found out that her heart had stopped several times during the night and she was not expected to live much longer, my knees hit the floor and all I could say was “God, I know I asked for your will to be done, but you know I didn’t mean it. I wanted you to heal my sister.” I poured out my hurt and my disappointment while I poured out my tears. 

When the doctor couldn’t find Maggie’s heartbeat with the doppler or the ultrasound, I prayed. I asked my friends and family to pray. I asked them to ask their friends to pray. I prayed almost every second from the ultrasound until she was born. I begged God for a miracle, for Maggie to live. But God said no. 

Since then, I have had countless things to pray about. I have prayed for myself, my husband, my family, my kids, my friends and my grief. I have had no problem praying for the little things, but I have felt some hesitation in praying for the big things. 

I think it comes down to a feeling that God hasn’t been hearing me or listening to my prayers this year. That maybe I’m jinxed and He’s just doing the opposite of whatever I ask. That maybe He doesn’t love me or listen to me anymore. I know that isn’t the case. I know God hears me. I know He loves me. I know He is with me. I know His will is the same and will be done, regardless of what I pray for. I know He has a plan for me and my life, a plan to prosper me not to harm me, but sometimes his plan hurts. 

So what do I do with my hesitation to pray? As far as I can see, I have 2 choices when someone asks me to pray and I love them and I want what they are asking for prayer for to turn out well — I can either give into my hesitation and superstitious inclination to not pray because the last couple of important prayers I’ve prayed have not been answered in the way I wanted OR I can pray and trust God to do what’s best in the situation and ask him to give us all the strength to accept his answer even if he doesn’t answer the way we want him to.

It’s harder to pray that prayer now. Now that I know how much it can hurt when our prayers aren’t answered the way we hope they will be. But you know what? That’s ok. God isn’t a genie. He doesn’t give us our wishes if we rub the lamp or ask the right way. He loves us and gives us what we need all the time even when that isn’t always what we want. He is always listening and always with us even when it hurts. He is always using what He gives us to prepare us for something in the future or to enable us to help someone else. Nothing is ever wasted. 

So I’m praying even if it’s hard. I’m praying even when my first reaction is to not pray. I’m praying through the jinxed feeling. I’m praying through the pain. I’m praying even though I know it might not turn out the way I want it to. I’m praying about my fear that it won’t. Sometimes, I have a moment of hesitation, a moment of pause, – moment of doubt and a moment of fear and I sit and contemplate my hesitation and then. . . Then I pray. 

“In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.” ‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭